The myths that were spread down through the millennia spoke of a glorious castle on a beautiful mountain, with gold and jewels all over. They spoke of a grand, regal palace where Goddesses and Gods lived, a legendary home for the greatest of the greats. Olympus.
And let me tell you, those myths are bullshit.
Olympus is a mad house, an asylum that I would not wish upon anyone. Hestia had the right idea when she gave up her seat to Dionysus. I wish I’d gotten out before everything went wrong.
You may wonder, who are you? who is this mysterious person giving me a lecture on why the gods are bad?
I’m a goddess.
My name is Demeter, and I can make shit grow. Sounds fun, right? It actually is pretty fun. Once I made this mortal who was annoying me grow barley out of all of their pores…..
Anyways, where was I?
Oh, that’s right. I can make shit grow. By shit, I mean plants, which actually aren’t that shitty. Without them, you would starve to death. Plus, a world without plants would be worse than Olympus…..the horror…..
Olympus has been like the Underworld ever since Zeus lost track of his marbles. He’s always been crazy. If it were up to me, he would have been imprisoned a very long time ago. He always thought that since he ruled Olympus, he should get to do whatever he wants. That’s how my daughter Persephone was born.
There was even a plot to try to overthrow Zeus. Poseidon (I hate his guts), Hera, Apollo, and Athena were able to get Zeus trapped….for about five minutes. This annoying nymph freed him. Ugh. Talk about poor life choices.
Zeus decided that the four Olympians who defied him needed to be punished. He turned Poseidon and Apollo into mortals, and he hung Hera upside down over an abyss. Athena got off with just a stern lecture, because Zeus is so fucking fair.
Eventually, he turned Poseidon and Apollo back into gods, but he left Hera over that abyss for centuries. One day, Hephaestus decided that it would be an amazing idea to free Hera. I mean, I feel sorry for the girl, but I prefer to keep myself lightning-bolt-free. Zeus responded by throwing Hephaestus off the side of a mountain. Again.
Seriously, you should cut Hephaestus some slack. He was thrown off the side of the tallest mountain in Greece twice and he isn’t completely bonkers. Zeus, on the other hand, is completely bonkers. After the incident with Hera and Hephaestus, he started doing crazy things.
After a while, it had been too much. The world was utter chaos, with humans running around with these strange glowing rectangles and singing about love. Ugh. Hera called a few of us and decided enough was enough. Me, her, Hephaestus, Athena, Artemis, and Apollo made a plan. We executed the plan. We expected the plan to go completely off the rails, but it didn’t. Take that, Leonard Snart. We assassinated Zeus.
Unfortunately, a band of imbeciles decided that Zeus was still a ‘good guy’. The Olympian Civil War started with Poseidon, Hades, Hermes, Dionysus, Ares, and Aphrodite as The Astrapians, and me, Hera, and our fellow perpetrators the Dikaiosynians. Hestia just sat near the hearth and sung peaceful songs. She may not have all of her marbles, either.
While we were fighting, we kind of turned our backs on our domains. Cough, Hades, cough. The gates of the Underworld opened, and monsters flooded the Earth. Worst of all, a primordial being woke up and found the world in shambles, and they decided that they needed to fix it. Tartarus.
So, the planet is a shit show, as many of you can tell. And us Olympians? We’re busy trying to kill each other. That’s why you demi-gods need to clean up our mess!
Your guide in this perilous (and probably fatal) journey will be Liam Mortel, a son of Athena. You and you alone can save Earth from truly being like Tartarus.
Oh, and as an added bonus, if you can stop Tartarus and close the Underworld’s gates, the Dikaiosynians will grant you thrones beside us on Olympus when we defeat the imbeciles. You will join us as the new Olympians.
So, are you ready? Too bad. The world depends on you.
Hosted and narrated by:
Kaylee Anonymous (she/her) (Storm447)
Scenes played: 2
License: Community License